This morning, I…

This morning, I’m fascinated by the fact that I just realized that Ben and I have now been married for 2.5 years as of today.  Rewind back to May 24, 2009, and I’m sure I was lazing around on a couch in a church parlor waiting to put on my wedding dress, not even the slightest bit aware of the life-trauma that was about to smack us in the face.  Oh, unwed self!  Run from the perils of your postmodern young adult existence!  

This little tidbit (about the anniversary, not the perils part) is so, so timely— because if you asked me what I envisioned married life with Ben to be like, I probably would have said, “well, I don’t know— I’ve never been married!”  Deep down, though, I probably thought it would be something like how our lives are now:  living above the chaos, washing dishes daily, not being grossed out by the putrid stench of a nasty litter box– you know, the little things that make life, well, liveable. 

On this Thanksgiving day, I am deeply thankful for all the little wonderfuls.  For all the 180′s and full-circles, for the life we are living and creating and the families we were born into and the families that we are knitting together with new friend-cousins and sister-friends.  It is more than ok, more than just getting by.  And you could stop by my home right now, just pop in— and I would not pretend to not be home by laying on the floor under a window or hiding in a closet to prevent you from seeing the hovel we used to live in.

And here’s the irony:  it feels how I thought it would feel when we got married.  This normal, kind of busy, kind of crazy, doing-what-we-have-to-do, not in a honeymooner kind of way but in a real life living our moments kind of way.  We would get coffee from a pretentious coffee shop and walk around the city streets when we were engaged and daydream precocious hopes that would surely shape our married life:  never watching TV all night, but instead getting iced coffees and watching the sun set on the lake and discussing life and world views and other deep and interesting things, stopping by local specialty stores to get bread and ingredients for our dinners on a daily basis to support the local economy and have fresh, wonderful meals, savoring friendships and living transparently, sharing ourselves with others, having slow, cozy Saturday mornings drinking coffee and listening to Car Talk on NPR, etc., etc.  I would take photos and paint and live in glorious artistic splendor and Ben would mountain bike and try to befriend the Ohio Grass Man (aka Bigfoot), and go camping with his manfriends while I drink wine and eat cookies with my ladyfriends (no tents needed since I don’t camp).

The past two and a half years will become a wonderful part of our story.  The struggle to keep up— on so many levels, the aching, the dead ends and the hours of television, the crazy overtime that left no time for anything other than work and sleep (hello, blogging!  it’s been a year!), the exhaustion and trust and communication issues and frustration: these are things which I now understand, on a deep, deep heart level.

The rain surely makes the grass greener.  One day, I’m sure I’ll tell an uninterested child about a Thanksgiving Day when I realized everything was different.  I’m sure by then, the past 2.5 years will have evolved into a magnificent story of adventure and growth, of making it and scraping by with your life in your hands.

So here’s to a slow morning with my love, to homemade pumpkin spice latte made with homemade pumpkin puree and listening to NPR, and to celebrating probably my favorite holiday with my entire family (21 people! And usually the only time we’re all together!).  Here’s to actually being thankful for many things, not just because you know you’re supposed to be thankful for having pants or a toothbrush and other things that you are blessed with.  Here’s to being thankful, because this is a good life.

 

This is no big thing for the God of the universe.

I’m sitting on the bed with Ben, 2 kittens curled up at each of our feet.  We just returned from spending the afternoon in Wooster, and I really should probably just be sleeping right now.

Ah, it was great to see the family & cuddle my precious nephew, Gavin!  With life looking increasingly intimidating as we head into May, it was good to see them before the crazy starts.

And it was good, too, to share and be encouraged by Doug & Wanda.  As distraught as that last post was, I think the tone had more to do with being so exhausted after my 50 hour workweek and the mere shock of the email, along with having to tell Ben and the short timeframe we’re looking at if we are indeed going to be accepted.

So… we’re still holding on to hope.  And in the end, if it’s a mere $18,000 in student loans that we need to eradicate before we can join staff, we’ll be doing anything and everything to drop it like it’s  hot.  This is no big thing for the God of the universe.

I believe this, wholeheartedly, and without reservation.

Lover, Let’s Talk.

We have received an e-mail informing us that we may not be eligible for consideration for staff with Crusade due to our student loan debt… information that I requested months ago, before we even finished applying and are just now getting from the person who’s reviewing our apps.

Color me a little frustrated, and sad.  This would have been totally ok, but a bummer, if we knew before we applied.  If the lady overseeing our application process had answered that email.  If we hadn’t had an amazing time confirming this desire and call to spend our time ministering to college students.  If, if, if.

Ben is finishing up his shift serving at Fat Cats.

I have to tell him that our dream will not happen for a long time.

Well, there’s always a chance.  And this chance is probably like at the end of Dumb & Dumber when Mary tells Lloyd that there’s a one in a million chance of them getting together, and Lloyd goes, “…So you’re telling me there’s a chance!”

Which means I have to tell my lover that there’s probably no chance for his dream right now.  For our dream.  And, I believe, God’s dream.

I’m banking on the fact that God’s dreams are bigger than mine.  God’s sovereignty is complete.  God’s plans are better than mine.  Jesus planned the next step, and he will show it to us.  And even if we must wait to proclaim Christ professionally, I will not stop doing it at all opportunities.

Yes, I am seeing amidst heartache that God could have a future for us in Cleveland.  I am seeing that I am in dire need of maturity, wisdom, and a planner.  I’m probably in need of less work, soon, and more worship.  And this is ok.

Not awesome, but ok.  And I’m not saying Jesus planned for us to be heartbroken.  No, Jesus is weeping with us… and I’m praying for some sweet respite, sometime soon.

An Evening In

Tonight, Ben is out with the Gentlemen.  I’ve enjoyed a lovely evening to myself: sweatpants and sweatshirt, Chablis (I’m trying to like white wine.  Plus, Ben likes to cook with it, so somebody has to drink it, right?!?), and a little snack that Ben likes to call “Reese’s Dip Stuff”, which is what I refer to as “Lazy Lady’s  Buckeye”.  Ok, it’s equal parts powdered sugar and peanut butter with chocolate chips on top.  Heaven.  Also, as if there weren’t enough salt in the peanut butter and the USDA isn’t calling for the American citizens to consume less calories and salt, I like to salt the top of the peanut butter.  Just sayin.  Anyway, I took out the gorgeous sewing machine that my mother Santa gifted me for Christmas, and I was practicing sewing in straight lines.  Nothing impressive came out of tonights work, but nothing so horrible as last time, so I’ll take it as a victiorious triumph in the land of fine hand craftsmanship.  Also, I still have the Christmas lights up over the dining room windows, and recently decided that our decor would be better with 2 mood lamps on our cotton candy purple buffet table.  Interestingly enough, Ben and I both received one mood lamp each when we were in high school, and I got them from their respective places of storage from each of our parents homes and put them on opposite ends of our amazing buffet table, with the wall scones just above and outside of them on the wall.  It would have been an awesome idea except for one. thing.  I knew when I saw Ben’s lava lamp that this project would be the best idea ever.  He didn’t believe me, but I swore up and down that I knew what I was doing.  I saw his lamp and knew that it was the exact same model as mine!  And, I was right.  Ben received the same lamp with the purple liquid and yellow wax.  amazing!

So anyway, tonight has been delightful.

Here are some other points of note:

• My friend Emilie lent me her copy of “The Business of Being Born” and “Birth: The Surprising History of How We Are Born”.  Amazing.  I blazed through about 160 pages of the book the first afternoon, and watched the movie that night as well.  Ben refused to watch the movie with me, but he says he will if we are ever pregnant… so, that’s cool.  I don’t really blame him, as long as he’s cool with whatever I want to do, haha!  I’m sold on the home-birth.  It’s a fact.  The fact that I am becoming more of a “hippie” than anybody would have previously thought possible is undebatable as I write this on my retro-space age thrift store table sitting on an asthetically delightful vintage blue vinyl half-arm dining chair.  Photos must follow.  Regardless, my eyes have been opened to things I never even thought about before a year or 6 months ago, especially in regards to child-rearing having a baby.  Ok, let’s face it:  I know nothing about raising a child, but birth, breastfeeding, induction, Pitocin and epidurals?  I am learning!
• Ben has an interview at Starbucks on Wednesday.  PRAISE the Lord.  Please also pray that he gets the job and starts… on Thursday?  haha.  Even funnier: it’s probably going to be an exclusively 5:00 AM clock in time for Ben.  If you know Ben at all, you can understand how the impossibility of this situation is something that only God could arrange… and pull off!
• Ben and I have been invited to go down to Columbus for 2 days to meet with the Campus Crusade for Christ team that we are applying for.  I guess we’re going to be going to prayer meetings, and maybe going to a campus!  This is an OMG thing.  A really big, oh man, wowie zowie thing.  I have to take off 2 days of work for this, but I’m trusting that it will be worth it and that the money will be made up with Ben’s promising Starbucks position.  
• We have had a workable kitchen for several days straight.  I may not even be able to explain to you the magnitude of this situation.  Having counter space readily available, not having to wash all of the dishes that you need for dinner before you can make dinner… glorious.
• On a similar note to all of these items, it appears as though the fog that we’ve been trudging though is lifting.  Ben is leaving his Ninevah.  I cannot begin to express how minute changes that are taking place have been so big.  Ben is following the Lord in faith, and the change has been glorious.  I could say more on this, but Ben is home now and we’ve been hanging out for a while and now I’m going to go to bed. 

Hopefully there will be more chronicles of good things as they come along in this season of movement.

Hello, 2011

Aaaand… January.  How clean, and how fresh you sound.  I’ve been working full-time since the Tuesday after the last post— for a month there, I was doing 12+ hours overtime— each week..  At just the right time, overtime is ending, and I’m trusting that God is going to provide in another way. 

My lover has just brought me hot cocoa in a new white mug with the word “hope” on the front… with the largest marshmallow I’ve ever seen on top.  We’re watching the end of “The Biggest Loser” together, like we used to do 2 summers ago when TV took up an incredibly unhealthy amount of our time.  This time, it’s merely nostalgic.  On a related note, I’ve lost and kept off 10 pounds!    2 more, and hopefully I’ll run the Cleveland Half Marathon again, 10% lighter.

Anyway, an entire season flew by, but that’s not super surprising.  This one flew by particularly fast because I worked about a month away.  With the new year, solid changes are making an impact on our lives.  Ben has seen a doctor and is seeing a specialist tomorrow, all thanks to Obamacare!  I’m hopeful for wellness in 2011.  Ben has also just been employed by Office Team, the temporary employment agency that I’ve worked for since September.  We just cleared out our spare room, and my mom gave me a sewing machine for Christmas, which I’m hopeful will be an integral part of this year.  My first probable nephew is going to be born mid-February, and I want to spoil that babe with kisses and soft things that I will hypothetically make for him.

I hope 2011 brings a new routine to our home, and hopefully a double-income, for at least some time.  That’s basically it.

And omg, next weeks’ Big Fat Loser (as Ben endearingly calls it) looks to be pretty exciting!

The Doohans are Going On Vacation.

Yep, that’s right!  Starting tonight, Ben and Aubree Doohan will flee the average life for the extravagant.  Well, ok:  we’re staying in a hotel tonight because we’re going to run the Akron Half Marathon tomorrow at 7 AM, and we’re staying in the AK- Rowdy on Saturday night again because, well, who wants to be accountable for driving after all that running?  So, there will most likely be one dinner date and one pizza delivery date.  It’s been over a year since I’ve had cable, and I’ve already checked tvguide.com for tomorrow night’s listings!

We’ll be back in town for church on Sunday, and we’re going to try to go to our indoor soccer team’s game to just. watch.  I told them I’d be willing to show up and stand on the field to give another girl teammate a break if she needed to catch her breath (girl subs are usually low).  We’ll see how that goes!

Regardless, this mini-getaway is timed perfectly.  I’ve had 4 interviews in the past 2 weeks and 2 days of temp work to boot.  Sure, that equals out to one thing just over every other day, but it’s been a big shift for us— in our schedules, in my stress levels, in my needing-to-prep-for-interviews-and-I-forgot-to-do-laundrying.  I think I might take some blow money and go get a fluffy robe this afternoon!

A new wind’s a-blowin.

I noticed that this never got posted.  I wrote this on my last day of babysitting managing my own part time professional child care business, August 23rd.

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Ah, life.  Drinking in the sweet, bubbly cocktail of smiles, laughs, and precious quiet moments.  Serving loved ones big glasses of discipline (self-imposed, and given in loving conversations with younger hearts) and thoughtfulness. 

I’m sharing this morning with Gianna— we’re both perusing our favorite websites as we ease into this Monday.  Tomorrow starts the first day of the 3rd grade, and we’re savoring the small, slow stride of summer for just one more day.  Donuts are sure to be eaten this afternoon:  given as an end-of-school treat in June, they’ll be a perfect end cap to a summer filled with learning, hose-playing, and, of course, trying not to hate your siblings. 

Three full years removed from college, this autumn lacks the anticipation and let down that I felt the past two years with the back-to-school season.  It’s slightly strange:  I know it’s happening, and yet I haven’t really even thought about Muskingum.  Instead, the changing of the seasons is noted by a slightly crisp note in the air, and the promise that one tree on our road is showing:  all things die, and can be born anew.  Leaves aflame with color bring hope of a bonfire this fall, and of nights on our dear neighbor’s porch, like that first time on the first pleasant spring night when we cherished the onset of summer with strawberry margaritas and nachos al fresco.  I’m excited for nights in a light jacket, with the soft swirl of breezes flickering the flames of candles like laughter. 

And this season of death is looking like life to us.  No turning back, here.  No reminiscing fondly about how it feels weird to not be going back to school.  No move-in day sadness, no longing for naps on the grass under trees on the quad, no going back to that place in our hearts.  This season smells of the promise of our own fall, marked by this life we have, the two of us both having not-returned at least once now.  We have our own living room to invite people to now, and we’re eager to start a worship and prayer group.  We’ll have guests over— for the evening, or the weekend— and though I love our first home, our second will be even sweeter. 

This fall, as we see that the world will appear to be dying soon, it seems as though we will also be dying— to ourselves.  We’ve been called to this place, and the urge to abandon ship is still there, but it’s dissipating.  We’re hearing a quiet whisper, “stay.  change.  be gentle.”  This voice is clear, and soft.  This voice is hard (gentle is surprisingly difficult to attain for somebody so… prone to… I’m not sure.  But it’s hard for me.)  I need to be understanding, and delicate.  This is in direct opposition to my urge to make big proclamations and statements, that while they may be true, they’d probably come across more like accusations than helpful dialogue.  No, I cannot blame one for not knowing, so we’ll go on living and loving and modeling.  And doing the things that we want  to do, the things we crave. 

Ah, the sweet realization that life is right now.  We’ll be living boldly this fall, and praying for others to come alongside and catch on.

Choosing… to submit. (it’s always fun!)

Ah, Thursday.  The sweet anticipation of Friday is so strong, and this week is one of whirls and swirls.  A torrent of a week, really.  We’re almost completely unpacked in our new home.  I’m going on my third interview this week this afternoon.  I’m having my in-laws over for dinner for the first time ever on Friday.  Oh, wait— that’s tomorrow. 

So here comes autumn.  Everybody’s excited about Pumpkin Spice Lattes, but I really think pumpkin is way overrated.  Maybe I’ll try one this year— I can’t remember the last time I had one.  I forgot how much it rains in the fall; maybe I just forgot how much it rains on a regular basis. 

There is something stirring in my soul.  I’m longing for a life as I once knew it.  I covet a life of vibrancy and of songs sung with loved ones— real, strong singing, with reckless abandon.  Hands in the air, make up your own parts, and hearing the words whispered in our hearts as we come to silence.  I covet a life of purpose and strength— not a power of my own, but within me nonetheless, to put forth and proclaim.  Surely, I’m not lacking in this Spirit, but I long to practice this, to proclaim with boldness truths with others who long to delve deeper. 

After being so weary of the gifts of the prophetic, it’s now what I long for more than… most anything.  In an attempt to find a church that my parents and brother would be more comfortable attending (and in particular, not out by), I find myself at a church that is lacking the very things my soul craves.  Having tasted the Kingdom, I cannot return to mother’s milk, and most certainly won’t settle for infant formula— a far inferior, though lifesaving food source.  (Ok, I’ve been doing a lot of baby reading lately.  And I’m definitely going to be a hippie mama one day.)  Child-rearing notions aside, I can’t blame my brothers and sisters for what they don’t know, as I too didn’t know the depths of the richness of God until quite recently, when it was modeled to me. 

So this is where we’ve come.  I’m choosing to follow the quiet words, which don’t really compare to my loud thoughts.  My loud wants.  My loud me me me me me.  Instead, I’m submitting.  I’m submitting to the idea that I am not number one, but maybe somewhere around number 115 billion.  All of these people with names,with a set number of hairs on their heads, and the majority of them having a harder time than me in regards to finding adequate food, water, shelter, and love.  All of these people with lives that I want to love. 

And so, I’ll choose to love the way God wants me to, in the place He has put me.  I’m choosing to live in the present, and not too much in the past.  Yes, I’m longing for the things I’ve lived and loved, but I’m searching for the ways my life will be, not simply the ways my life has been.  And this is what I’m seeking: to offer a greater life to those who have been given life.  To keep on offering life to those who have only death.  But mostly, to point the way with a whisper and a song, proclaiming to those who believe that the unbelievable is Here.  The unimaginable and impossible are known realities.  Heaven doesn’t start when we die, but when we begin to truly live.

Hakuna Matata

My beautiful (no, not just an adjective; she’s really stunning) cousin Emily is studying abroad in Kenya this summer.  She’s blogging at: Hakuna Matata, and it’s been a pleasure to follow her journey thus far.

totally taken from her blog. i reserve no rights and don't claim to have taken this photo in Kenya, although that would have been awesome.

She blogs about her travels, her accommodations, her classes, friends, and encounters with the locals.  Snippets about hygiene in her American, like-infused vernacular (“I refuse to skip showers, some people are only showering like every three days. Gross.”) are offered alongside authentic encounters with Africans who will likely change her life.  It’s entertaining to watch as my relatively sheltered cousin (I mean to say— we all are relatively sheltered, especially wehen it comes to understanding how people from other places in the world live) speaks candidly as more of a globe-trotting woman than I could ever dream of being, yet such a wonderful 20 year old at the same time.

I have much more to say about her encounters, but those musings call for another  blog post, as I have photos that I intend on using (ominous, I know!)

Thankful: 21-30

21.  I’m thankful for a kitten snoozing on his back, snuggled up against my leg, belly heaving with peaceful rest.

He's actually yawning and snuggling, and not just pretending to be a vampire.

22.  I’m thankful that the kittens are healthy, after finally being able to make it to a vet appointment!

23.  I”m thankful for the lilac buffet table that will hopefully arrive in our apartment this week with the assistance of strong, manly men— who are also dear friends.

24.  I’m thankful for a full, happy weekend (for the most part) with my entire extended family in Hocking Hills.

25.  I’m thankful for an outdoorsman of a husband who delighted my heart on an afternoon canoeing trip by insisting that I stop paddling, lay back, and enjoy the view.

26.  I’m also pretty thankful that my husband wants to help out when we do nature-y things together, because… well, I don’t really like to be outdoors.  It’s hot.  And I hate to hike.  But boy, when he shows other people how to turn a canoe instantly by sticking the oar in the water, that’s a kind of hot I can get on board with.

27.  I’m thankful for meeting my newest cousin, Sean— adopted by cousins, JC & Katie.  This new fella is no small bundle of joy— he’s more like an Ironman of babies.  The rolls on his chunky legs and his gummy grin are a welcome prodding to laughter that only a fat baby can evoke.

28.  I’m thankful that my oldest cousin Emily has embarked on her 5-week journey to study in Kenya for school credit.  She’ll be working in an AIDS/HIV clinic and studying the effects of contaminated water.  Here’s to hoping she sees things that change her heart forever, for better.

29.  I’m thankful that no matter how tired I am when I get out of bed, I usually perk up and don’t feel that horrible throughout the day.  Usually.  Thankfully, today is one of those days.

30.  I’m thankful that packing is apparently a learned skill, and I seem to be getting better at it!

And… here’s another kitty shot: